Most people come and go, but if they’ve been in our lives it’s likely because there are some great things about them. So when things end, relationships go south, or painful things happen, we have a belief system that says we should hate the person, or that we shouldn’t want to have anything to do with them.
When we start to miss someone, it can become confusing. We might question why we’re feeling this way about someone who has hurt us so much or just isn’t a great match.
There are two things that I want to highlight.
1. Just because we miss parts of a person doesn’t mean we miss all of them. — This is important. You can honor those parts…you can like those parts…but keep those parts separate. When you start to merge the parts the lines get blurred and more confusion and second guessing creeps in. Sometimes we’re compatible on many fronts but just miss the mark on a few. Sometimes it was the “best I’ve ever had” and so we question if anything “just as good” will ever come around again. Our uncertainty and fear can bring us face to face with dishonoring our boundaries and bringing back a relationship that has already served its purpose.
The second piece is an extension of the first.
2. Don’t romanticize the good.
We’ve already agreed that people have good parts, but too often we romanticize the good. We make it better than it was. We minimize the reasons it ended. We create excuses. The good quickly becomes great, and the bad not so bad. Missing of the feelings (acceptance, comfort, closeness, connection) often get replaced by missing all of the person. Try not to confuse the two.
You’re allowed to miss parts of a person. It’s normal and it’s expected. But remind yourself that you don’t miss all of them. It ended for a reason…that’s a good enough reason not to romanticize them. #mindfulmft
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