To wait or not to wait? Do we put our lives on hold while someone figures themselves out? Do we “wait” or promise to be there on the other side? Is waiting an expression of our love or a reflection of our fear of abandonment and rejection?
Yes, relationships ebb and flow. Yes, there can be years during a marriage or life partnership in which we hold and work our way back, but waiting for someone you’re dating to figure out whether they’re in or not is a very quick way to misery.
We never have to put our lives on hold for someone to make up their minds. We don’t have to sit in anxiety. What we ought to do is keep living our lives while they do the work they say they need to do. Truth is, they’ll find some way whether it’s back to you or not, but waiting around tends to dishonor boundaries and shift the relationship dynamic to one up//one down. When a person is “waiting” the dynamic has to shift them to one down. They’re below the person who is ultimately making the decision. They’re waiting around. They’re receiving less than they deserve…and accepting it. They send a message to the “decider” (the one up) that they’ll be there no matter what. That’s a dangerous message to have sent. A power dynamic is created and the land of “we are equal” is dissolved.
Our narratives about ourselves start to get questioned. “Maybe I’m not worthy enough?” “I must not be good enough, attractive enough, rich enough, etc etc if they don’t know they want to be with me.” Doubt and uncertainty set in and start to rip self worth apart. The self critic grows and the stories of love and belonging get further away.
Ebbing and flowing through relationships is one thing. Holding through the hard times is one thing. Moving through life with a partner as difficulty sets in is one thing. But holding oneself in a dishonorable way while another person figures out whether they want to be in a relationship or not is not only boundary-less, it sets the (potential) future of the relationship up for some serious difficulty. People can always find their way back to you. No need to drag yourself through the pain while they figure it out. #mindfulmft
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mindfulmft (Vienna Pharaon) paylaştı.